Frustrating

 HELP!     I'm so frustrated, I have a massive amount of energy but it all seems to be in my mind.
I've got my mojo back and am managing to keep the house tidy, take Darcy for walks although I do get out of breath quite easily and I've been doing the odd bit of knitting however that's about as much as I can manage but my mind is racing with lots of new ideas and energy but the meds I'm on seem to be holding me back. I'm not sleeping that well, my whole body feels heavy, I can't seem to get comfortable when I'm trying to do some knitting, when I go to bed it feels like I'm lying on a pile of books, which wouldn't be so bad if I could concentrate long enough to read them.
I so wanted to have a craft stall at the school fate at the end of May but I'm getting nothing made and it's frustrating because I really want to make and I'm trying but I feel slightly drunk most of the time and no I'm not drinking lol. Will this feeling last forever or do I just have to wait for my body to get use to the meds.
Although all this is frustrating it's better than a few weeks back when I first started on two meds of which I'm only taking one now because I was so sick for days I had to stop taking them.


I had appointment with the Doctor on Tuesday and as I thought I just have to wait for my body to get use to the meds. Hopefully this should only take a week or two more. He is sending me for a blood test and for an ECG just to make sure all is ok.

Tomorrow is my little chaps 8th birthday as always I can't believe how quickly time has passed by. All he wants really is a set of Beast Quest books. I couldn't be happier that this little guy is so into his reading that he wants books for his birthday. I do hope that I can at least get it together enough to make a cake for him tomorrow. After school we are hoping to take a trip to the beach with Darcy and meet their dad. Mmm it may be KFC for tea.



I hope you are all well and aren't feeling to down about the weather as I think most of the country is having a very wet time at present it's hard to feel happy all the time.

Singing in the rain !

If your anything like me you'll love this video and as we are having such poor weather at the moment I thought I would try and cheer you up.

Now you may just find me doing a little bit of singing in the rain as I am feeling a lot better now. I'd even go as far as saying I'm pretty close to the top of the world.

Thank you to all you kind bloggers who have left me messages of support it means the world to me and to know I'm not alone.

It's kind of funny how aware I am of the change in my mood this time around.

I've been getting up in the morning taking Darcy out for a walk come rain or shine.

This photo was taken 4 weeks ago when we were having some lovely weather.

 However this one is more recent, how Darcy loves to dive into the big puddles

 Robin taken early one sunny morning so not recent

Last Sunday I even tackled the ironing pile that would of given the Eiffel Tower a run for its money.

I'm keeping very busy doing this and that.

The house is almost back to being organised and tidy again. 

Mike's put up some new picture frames for me which I am slowing filling up.

I've been popping into school to sort out the odd thing or two as we are organising a large country fair for the school and hopefully the towns people for the Queens Jubilee.

Darcy and I have been dog training.

I've picked up my knitting needles although I have yet to finish a project as I keep starting new ones.

I went to the Creative Craft show on Thursday at the Bath and West show ground

Spent a few pounds on button's, fabric, a book and a couple of bag patterns but I had been very good and not gone over budget 

UNTIL

just as I was leaving I noticed a few people were stood around watching this lady demonstrating a sewing machine, so I stopped to check it out. 

That was it I was hooked.

Therefore Friday morning was spent changing the living room around again so when  my wonderful new machine arrived I would have room for it. 

My little sewing area

My sparkly new sewing machine

Yes that was my budget blown right out of the water hee hee.

There will be a few of you out there that will understand that people like myself just can't help spending money.

I used money I had been saving for a rainy day, well it was raining.

Right some of you will think I'm raving mad when I tell you that I have also purchased a new car this weekend however I have also been saving for a car for some time now as my little old clio Sparky is on it's last wheels.

I pick my new Renault Scenic up on Saturday and I'll be dropping Sparky off with his new owner, I'm giving him to my best friends young lad. 

This must be the first time that I have just typed a post up, without writing it out 10 times first.

Hope everyone is well and is keeping dry

Jo x

A Dark time

Hello, it's been a while.
I wasn't sure how to come back after such a long break, should I explain why I've been away or should I just carry on blogging about life in general. So with that in mind I have started this post many times and failed.

So, I'll try and keep it simple.
Depression,  I am struggling and have been for a while (this time). I tried to pretend that it was just because Christmas was over, January blues and all that but it just took hold and before I knew it I was struggling to get up for the children in the morning, screaming at them everyday for the smallest of things. Spending the rest of the day crying and feeling so guilty for being such an awful, hopeless mother. Only for them to return from school and me to do it all over again. As for the day to day running of the home it just hasn't been happening. My poor children have been living on sandwiches, bowls of cereal, fish and chips or McDonald's.

One morning I lost it completely with the children, the oldest boy rung his dad for help. I realised then that it was time to get myself to the doctors again for help.

So I took myself to the doctors for the first time since moving here. A new doctor so I would have to explain all over again how I felt. How everything seemed impossible to cope with, that I spent most of my time crying and I wished that I could go to sleep and not wake up because my family would be better off with out me.
She asked me what life was like for me before Christmas, Well a completely different story I'd been on top of the world, I could of probably taken the world on. My house was spotless, I cooked every night for the children, I had taken on chairperson at school and I had also been volunteering down at the school.  Knitting, sewing, going to the gym, swimming.  Didn't need much sleep to get this all done either.

Life was so very different.

So to get to the point the Doctor seemed to think there was more to it than me just being depressed.

I've now had an assessment in which two lovely ladies seemed to know exactly what questions to ask. My husband came with me for support and helped answer their question honestly as when I'm having an OK day I tend to think that I've just been having a few off days and things really aren't that bad. Plus I think he was hoping for some answers.
I've pushed him away more and more over the passed 15 years. We've split up twice, first time for a year then we gave it another go. We've been split for 2 years now, we've lost the family home through both our faults and now we live separately. Through these times we have been on and off and looking back when I've been low, I've wanted him around, I'm very needy. I lack good judgement so always turn to him to make any decisions. When I'm on top of the world I push him away because I can do it all on my own.

They gave us some information on Bipolar to take away and read. When my doctor mentioned this I just didn't think for one minute I could have this surly I was just depressed. Pass Doctors had just given my antidepressants I would take them for a month or two feel better and be back to being on top of the world. However once we got back and read the information and looked it up on the Internet it was becoming clear that I had more than just one or two of the characteristics of someone with Bipolar.

I just couldn't see it, I didn't have a clue that when I was on top of the world my behaviour wasn't normal. My closes friends have always said that I'm manic. I didn't see a problem when Mike would come home to find the house turned up side down because I was changing the bedrooms around for the 4th time that month or when he'd come home to find the kitchen a different colour or the wallpaper stripped in the living room. Why shouldn't I buy myself the contents of the wool shop, book a family holiday just so I could spent a weekend learning to knit socks at the Rowan wool mills even though I had just taught myself to knit. Buy the latest card making gadget or start a  new hobby. Book a craft fair for every month of the year of course I'd make enough stock and everyone would want to buy my handmade goodies.

In the post today I received an appointment to see a psychiatrist I have no idea what to expect. I've not been given any medication so am still struggling through, some days are better than others. Mike is trying to be more understanding. 

If  you have got to this point thank you.

X

Hello February

Can you believe it February already!

February arrives cold, wet and gray, her gifts disguised for only the most discerning spirits to see. Gentle is our path. Gratitude is the thread we weave into the fabric of our daily lives this month, giving thanks for our simply abundant lives and asking for the gift of one thing more: grateful hearts.

(Sarah Ban Breathnach)

I started the year with such optimism and for the best part of the first month I've stayed with it but the last week or so I have found it a little harder.

So today I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off  and getting back on the path of gratitude and optimism.

FEBRUARY 2006

West Bay

So here's to a fabulous February!



It's all about darcy.

Darcy 12 weeks old

It's like having a new baby, 4 feeds a day, late nights, early mornings and lots of crying.

Darcy has been part of our family for a little over two weeks now and she's fitting in just fine.

The children love her, and shes great company for me during the day.

Crying, yes she crys when the children are getting ready for school she runs around taking their shoes and putting them into her bed. Then she sits by the door and crys lol.

We just can't wait to take her out for a walk, shes had her first lot of injections and gets the next lot this Thursday, then we have to wait a week before shes safe to go out walking but it couldn't be better timing as the children break up for half term on that special day.

So I guess half term week will be walking week.

FNSI

So I joined in with a whole bunch of other people last night and had a cosy night in sewing.

It was just me and the little lady.

 

I spent the day cleaning, tidying and getting the kids over night bags ready for their weekend with their dad.

I spent a little time choosing the right project.

I bought myself this cross stitch for my 40th birthday.

However it got packed with all my crafting projects for the move and it never got taken out of the packet until yesterday.

I thought this would be the perfect FNSI project then I may actually get it finish.

So from now on every Friday night I will endeavour to work on my cross stitch.

So its out of the packet and started.

The books in the photo arrived on Thursday morning and as much as I desperately wanted to take a look then and there I used every last bit of self control not to because when it comes to new craft books you need to take your time to enjoy every inspiring project and take your time choosing which projects will go on your to do list and which one will be first.

Do you like my slippers? The kids gave them to me for Christmas

Something a little sweet

Now did I say it was a cosy night in, well my little lady likes to sit outside in the cold but she likes to be able to see me too so for a good part of the evening I had the back door open for her. It's lucky it's not real cold out.

She's a beautiful girl!

2012 A year for Challenage

So this year is going to be the year I challenge myself , nothing to big but challenging all the same.
To start with I have joined a few blog challenges not sure if that's what they really are but they will be for me if I'm going to keep them up.


First up

I've  joined Kathy and many others on this years photo scavenger hunt. Each month Kathy gives us a list of 12 words for are own interpretation and we have to take a photo for each one. I joined this one because I want to get more use from my camera. I took AS photography back 17 years ago when I was living in Cornwall, I never went anywhere without my camera. Then when I had the children the camera was always within an arms reach so I could catch all those little moments. However since they have all gone off to school the camera seems to come out less and less. We always seem to be rushing out the door and the camera gets left behind but I pledge to take it with me at every opportunity and take at least 12 photo's for this challenge.

OK so this is a good one because at the end of the year I will have 12, hopefully more gifts for Christmas. Every year I promise I'm going to make more gift items for Christmas then two weeks before I end up buying every ones presents. Not this year.

Here's present number one Looby Lou. There is a little girl who I know will love this knitted dolly.

And next

Hopefully this year will be a handmade year all round so not only am I going to make Christmas presents but I would like to have a little selection of birthday gifts so if and when the children are invited to party's I'll have a little special something for them to give to their friends. Sharing my makes and being inspired by all the lovely things that the other bloggers who are pledging to a monthly make in 2012 should help keep me on track.

Meet bunny he's the first to go into the gift box

(Just need to find a nice box)

Next

However this isn't so much a challenge as a cosy night in.

It will be like having a bunch of friends over to enjoy a night of sewing, a good chick flick, chocolate and a cuppa or something a little stronger if you want.

All you have to do is stay in and sew, enjoy the evening and then blog about it on Saturday how simple is that.

I spend most Friday nights in on my own as the children go to their dads sat watching a good film, with chocolate and a cuppa all I need to add is a bit of sewing and that really is no hardship.

So there you have it my blog challenges.

There is a whole bunch of other things may be plans rather than challenges I'll blog about these later right now I have one little challenge sat at my feet waiting for her dinner.

Butter wouldn't melt Hmm really!

Oh yes and if your wondering i've changed the name of my blog AGAIN but a change is as good as a rest isn't it.