Good bye

2012

Did you all have a fabby Christmas, I do hope so.

Here in my little home we had a fabulous time. We ate, we drank, we played games, watched a little,ate a little more and drank a little more.

 My first attempt at a Baileys cheesecake.

(and in the words of M wowzers)

Perfect nights of Baileys and knitting were had.

2012 hasn't been the best year for me and I am pretty happy to say good bye to it, I lost friendships, made some of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make and probably the hardest thing to contend with was finding out that I was Bipolar however now that I have that part of my life under control I am very excited to say a big hello and welcome in the New Year.  I have lots of dreams and wishes and I truly hope to embrace every opportunity that comes my way in 2013 and I'm looking forward to sharing it all with you, I'm also looking forward to reading all the wonderful and inspiring blogs out there.

  I do like to start the New Year with a tidy, clean and organised home.

All the Christmas decoration old and new have been taken down and packed away with care.

 ( The Old 1999)

(  The New 2012)

A fresh bunch of flowers to replace the Christmas tree.

So it's nearly time to say goodbye, 2012 is almost done.

Tonight will be spent playing games with the monkey's and M and I will indulge in a little drink to see the new year in.

So to everyone out there

my New Year's wish for you

may God grant you

12 months of happiness

52 weeks of fun

365 days of success

8760 hours

525,600 minutes of good luck

31,536.000 seconds of joy.

Love Jo x

Hello

What a wonderful day the sun is shinning and at last I am feeling a little like my old self again.
Thank you to all who were there for me and helped me through what I consider to be the worst time of my life I have never felt that low or desperate before. It frightened me and I frighted people who care and love me so I am very sorry for that.
Anyway I have been back to see my doctor  a few times and have been given support and care workers who I see every week and who are helping me with my recovery. These wonderful people got me a emergency appointment with a psychiatrist who has now put me on some new tablets an antidepressant to lift my mood I think they're working. I have just got to watch that they don't lift my mood to the point of going into manic mode, if they start to do this they will put me on a stabiliser as well.

It feels so good to get the house all clean and tidy again and to get my knitting needles out once again, oh how I have missed them and just in time to knit up a little something for Flynn's teacher. She was a fantastic teacher and will be very much missed when he goes back in September.

It's amazing the children broke up yesterday and the sun has at last come out to play may be it was just waiting for the children to be on their summer holidays.
I haven't planned anything for the six weeks so I'm just going to go day to day and see what happens.
The children have gone off with their dad this weekend just to give me a rest. I'm so pleased I am feeling better in time for the children's summer break and I will endeavour to keep them busy and happy though out the holidays.

Here's to six weeks of lovely sun shine (fingers crossed) and spending lots of quality time with my wonderful children.

 I hope the sun shine for you all and you have a wonderful weekend.

Jo x

I'm feeling trapped, I can't breath.

I feel like my mind is going to explode from all the thoughts racing through it.

 My skin is crawling, 

I can't sit still I keep pacing around the house. 

It must be the meds making feel like this I've never felt so alone before. I feel like I'm walking this path alone and I've stumbled and there's no one here to pick me up.

I'm scared I'm having thought of ending it all. 

I can't grasp control or stop.

I just want to get off this spinning world.

Spiralling

More and more these days I am feeling as if I'm being forced to function, I'm submerged physically and mentally in a pool of jelly, I can see all around but it's cloudy and difficult to manoeuvre.
All I want to do is to disappear, to vanish, run and hide from the world. I feel all alone and separated from the people I love and those that love me.
You see I've been spiralling and it's been ugly. I hate me when I'm in a spiral and that hate feeds the spiral and the spiral then intensifies the hate it grips me so hard logic and reason are beyond my reach. My brain knows what to do, my heart, emotions and core just can't.
I know I'm taking step to control it but these steps are going to take time.
As I try to put the pieces all back together and find my way  through the shame and disgust at my actions and words over the last few days I have lost sight of the light, it's been hidden and the road to freedom has been blocked. I'm unable to see or sense the future.

Jo x

15 Little Letters

I was so eager for a diagnosis after seeing my doctor back in February when I was in such a mess, when I just wanted to walk away from it all again, the kids, my screwed up life. After all everyone in my life would be better off without me in theirs.

My  Life has always been anything but calm. My relationships with family, friends and Mike have always been volatile. 

when I look back on the last 15 years I can remember the turmoil as it surrounded me , pulling me into the depths. From the corner of the room I could see myself losing it and would wonder why theses turmoils  wouldn't release their grip on me.

That first meeting I sat down, i was so nervous. My hands cold with fright, not being able to get comfortable. I needed to calm down but I know this doesn't come easy to me after all that's why I'm here sat in this room with these two ladies and Mike.

They began with asking me the usual questions childhood, parents, siblings, relationships then about recent events and how I was feeling now. I was feeling calmer now and it all come flooding out.

They asked about my spending, my unplanned DIY, my irritability, depression and mood related issues over all.

No diagnosis was not made then and there, they needed to talk to another Doctor about their findings and then it would be decided if I would need to be seen by someone else.

My next appointment came through this time with a psychiatrist. The panic and nerves came back what was wrong with me why do I feel the way I do. I wanted answers.

The Doctor went through the same questions as before I answered the best I could. Then it came those 15 little letters Bipolar Disorder.

Those two words, 15 little letters have changed my life forever. Hopefully for the better in time however today is a bad day and its time to go back to my GP to discuss my meds as I haven't been taking them because I couldn't cope with the side effects, they made me feel completely spaced out, uncomfortable all the time breathless. I have three children that need a mum around to support them and I can't do that when I feel so bad all the time. I don't have any support, I'm on my own.

I'm fighting a very difficult valiant war inside my head every single day. I hope my disorder does not harm or destroy my children. I hope that the fight I fight is Strong enough to allow me to overcome the demons inside so I can be a good mum to my kiddies.

My kids are the single solitary reason I get up every day and fight this as hard as I can.

My worry now is that putting this out there for all to read will somehow make people view me differently that those who know me in real life will shudder and walk away like others have. That now instead of Joanne they will just see crazy or they will think I'm to much drama. They have the luxury of walking away. I can't walk away from my life even though each and every day I wish I could.

Thank you for reading

Jo x

Darcy helps

IT may have seemed like a really rash, certainly not thought out decision when I got Darcy but she has be a real help. I have to get up and get out you see other wise Darcy would give me no peace she loves her walks and dog training so she gets to see all her friends. So once I've got the kiddies off to school Darcy and I hop in the car and make our way to the fields where we take our morning walk come rain (which has been a lot lately) or shine and there we meet our friends.
So I thought I would share a couple of photo's of Darcy and her friends.

Darcy saying hello to Rocky

Rocky

Darcy in her favourite puddle

Kimber

and some blossom.

Hope your enjoying your week

Jo x

It's so cold and wet out there today. It's so unfair over the weekend we seen a glimpse of the weather that I have yearned for for so long now, I'm sure it would help lift my mood and the children's mood too as they to are feeling a little glum these days. Being held up in the house day in day out tends to get a little boring.

Flynn had a fantastic birthday and was very happy with his WII game and his Beast Quest books oh and the money he received. It day and weekend didn't go as planned as I didn't feel up to driving so we didn't get to go to the beach and as the weather was so good Mike and I spent time in the garden tidying up and the children got to go out with their friends.

On Saturday Afternoon I took some of my card making stuff to here http://www.stampncraft.co.uk/ for a second hand sell I was very good and made more than I spent and I also meet some lovely people. I hope to meet them all again on Wednesday night for a UFO night (unfinished objects). It's not to far for me to drive.

I've stopped taking my meds, I know that's probably not a good idea but they were making me feel awful, I just felt drunk all the time and not in a nice way I couldn't concentrate on anything, couldn't get comfortable sitting, standing, lying, nothing was getting done and when you have a family you just can't go on like that. Mike may have to take some time of work if I go on meds just to help out but I'm not sure how he feels about that.

Anyway today I have managed to get something done meet BUG BUNNY, a friend wanted something for her new niece and this is what I've come up with. I'm really please with her. I hope her new little owner likes her.

 

Well I'm off to say hello to a few of you.

 Hope you have a great week

Love Joanne x