A Dark time

Hello, it's been a while.
I wasn't sure how to come back after such a long break, should I explain why I've been away or should I just carry on blogging about life in general. So with that in mind I have started this post many times and failed.

So, I'll try and keep it simple.
Depression,  I am struggling and have been for a while (this time). I tried to pretend that it was just because Christmas was over, January blues and all that but it just took hold and before I knew it I was struggling to get up for the children in the morning, screaming at them everyday for the smallest of things. Spending the rest of the day crying and feeling so guilty for being such an awful, hopeless mother. Only for them to return from school and me to do it all over again. As for the day to day running of the home it just hasn't been happening. My poor children have been living on sandwiches, bowls of cereal, fish and chips or McDonald's.

One morning I lost it completely with the children, the oldest boy rung his dad for help. I realised then that it was time to get myself to the doctors again for help.

So I took myself to the doctors for the first time since moving here. A new doctor so I would have to explain all over again how I felt. How everything seemed impossible to cope with, that I spent most of my time crying and I wished that I could go to sleep and not wake up because my family would be better off with out me.
She asked me what life was like for me before Christmas, Well a completely different story I'd been on top of the world, I could of probably taken the world on. My house was spotless, I cooked every night for the children, I had taken on chairperson at school and I had also been volunteering down at the school.  Knitting, sewing, going to the gym, swimming.  Didn't need much sleep to get this all done either.

Life was so very different.

So to get to the point the Doctor seemed to think there was more to it than me just being depressed.

I've now had an assessment in which two lovely ladies seemed to know exactly what questions to ask. My husband came with me for support and helped answer their question honestly as when I'm having an OK day I tend to think that I've just been having a few off days and things really aren't that bad. Plus I think he was hoping for some answers.
I've pushed him away more and more over the passed 15 years. We've split up twice, first time for a year then we gave it another go. We've been split for 2 years now, we've lost the family home through both our faults and now we live separately. Through these times we have been on and off and looking back when I've been low, I've wanted him around, I'm very needy. I lack good judgement so always turn to him to make any decisions. When I'm on top of the world I push him away because I can do it all on my own.

They gave us some information on Bipolar to take away and read. When my doctor mentioned this I just didn't think for one minute I could have this surly I was just depressed. Pass Doctors had just given my antidepressants I would take them for a month or two feel better and be back to being on top of the world. However once we got back and read the information and looked it up on the Internet it was becoming clear that I had more than just one or two of the characteristics of someone with Bipolar.

I just couldn't see it, I didn't have a clue that when I was on top of the world my behaviour wasn't normal. My closes friends have always said that I'm manic. I didn't see a problem when Mike would come home to find the house turned up side down because I was changing the bedrooms around for the 4th time that month or when he'd come home to find the kitchen a different colour or the wallpaper stripped in the living room. Why shouldn't I buy myself the contents of the wool shop, book a family holiday just so I could spent a weekend learning to knit socks at the Rowan wool mills even though I had just taught myself to knit. Buy the latest card making gadget or start a  new hobby. Book a craft fair for every month of the year of course I'd make enough stock and everyone would want to buy my handmade goodies.

In the post today I received an appointment to see a psychiatrist I have no idea what to expect. I've not been given any medication so am still struggling through, some days are better than others. Mike is trying to be more understanding. 

If  you have got to this point thank you.



Eileen said...

So glad that you are back posting. I've really missed you.

I understand about depression as I have suffered from major bouts of it in the past but luckily mine seems to be well controlled. It is interesting that they think you may be bipolar as a close family member is currently undergoing initial psychiatric help for the same reason and the behaviour you describe could well apply to her. I hope it goes well for you and that they can sort you out.

lots of hugs

Eileen xx

Pennyblossoms said...

So chuffed to see your blog pop up to the top of my list!
I just want to sweep you up in a big hug and not let you go! I want to write 'you poor love, know how you feel' but somehow it doesn't seem quite right. However crap I've been, (and I have been really crap!), I don't have children to care for, which must create even more angst.
But us bloggers are a caring bunch, so email me if you need to. I found that just knowing there were others out there too was a great support.
Wishing you well,
Z xx

Timi said...

Thank you for sharing this with us ♥!
I send you a big HUG!!!♥♥♥

Annie xx TheFeltFairy said...

Well done on sharing your illness! I am very open about the fact that I have bipolar and I think that it is important not to hide depression and mental illness! Life is hard but life is good - sending you love xxx

Val said...

A very interesting post. I know several people being treated for bipolar. It is more common than I thought. I wish you lots of patience and strength in getting of top of everything.