More and more these days I am feeling as if I'm being forced to function, I'm submerged physically and mentally in a pool of jelly, I can see all around but it's cloudy and difficult to manoeuvre.
All I want to do is to disappear, to vanish, run and hide from the world. I feel all alone and separated from the people I love and those that love me.
You see I've been spiralling and it's been ugly. I hate me when I'm in a spiral and that hate feeds the spiral and the spiral then intensifies the hate it grips me so hard logic and reason are beyond my reach. My brain knows what to do, my heart, emotions and core just can't.
I know I'm taking step to control it but these steps are going to take time.
As I try to put the pieces all back together and find my way  through the shame and disgust at my actions and words over the last few days I have lost sight of the light, it's been hidden and the road to freedom has been blocked. I'm unable to see or sense the future.

Jo x


Tracy said...

Oh Jo i don't really know what to say as no words can make things right for you at the moment, all I can offer is a virtual shoulder to lean on and a hand to hold, and hopefully there will be that glimmer of light and that light will get brighter and bigger as you journey out of your spiral, try no to dwell on past actions but focus on the tomorrows, where kind words and hugs will be the order of the day, take care of yourself and take your time sending you a big hug xxxxx

Anonymous said...

Your sense of frustration, of not liking who and where you are at this point in time is so vividly expressed in this short posting. No words I can offer will help, they can perhaps make you feel that there are those who understand to a degree what you are going through and this can help to some extent. You shouldn't hate yourself, it's such a negative view of someone who is a real fighter, determined to make herself better and put herself back together in a way that makes her happy, and those around her. I don't know you from Adam, but I feel for you and wish I could do more than offer mere words.
I hope you have family and friends around who can be there to hold you when times are bad, and rejoice and laugh with you when they get better. For they will, in time. Be patient with, and kind to, yourself.

Eileen said...

Hi Jo,

I really don't know what to say to help you. Please just know that I'm thinking of you and that you can send me an email if you need someone to talk to but have things that you would prefer not to put on the internet for everyone to see. I'll send you my email address.

Try not to hate yourself but see your past actions as a result of the illness - easier said than done, but try to look to the future and stay positive for the good times which will eventually come.

Eileen x