I feel like my mind is going to explode from all the thoughts racing through it.
My skin is crawling,
I can't sit still I keep pacing around the house.
It must be the meds making feel like this I've never felt so alone before. I feel like I'm walking this path alone and I've stumbled and there's no one here to pick me up.
More and more these days I am feeling as if I'm being forced to function, I'm submerged physically and mentally in a pool of jelly, I can see all around but it's cloudy and difficult to manoeuvre.
All I want to do is to disappear, to vanish, run and hide from the world. I feel all alone and separated from the people I love and those that love me.
You see I've been spiralling and it's been ugly. I hate me when I'm in a spiral and that hate feeds the spiral and the spiral then intensifies the hate it grips me so hard logic and reason are beyond my reach. My brain knows what to do, my heart, emotions and core just can't.
I know I'm taking step to control it but these steps are going to take time.
As I try to put the pieces all back together and find my way through the shame and disgust at my actions and words over the last few days I have lost sight of the light, it's been hidden and the road to freedom has been blocked. I'm unable to see or sense the future.
I was so eager for a diagnosis after seeing my doctor back in February when I was in such a mess, when I just wanted to walk away from it all again, the kids, my screwed up life. After all everyone in my life would be better off without me in theirs.
My Life has always been anything but calm. My relationships with family, friends and Mike have always been volatile.
when I look back on the last 15 years I can remember the turmoil as it surrounded me , pulling me into the depths. From the corner of the room I could see myself losing it and would wonder why theses turmoils wouldn't release their grip on me.
That first meeting I sat down, i was so nervous. My hands cold with fright, not being able to get comfortable. I needed to calm down but I know this doesn't come easy to me after all that's why I'm here sat in this room with these two ladies and Mike.
They began with asking me the usual questions childhood, parents, siblings, relationships then about recent events and how I was feeling now. I was feeling calmer now and it all come flooding out.
They asked about my spending, my unplanned DIY, my irritability, depression and mood related issues over all.
No diagnosis was not made then and there, they needed to talk to another Doctor about their findings and then it would be decided if I would need to be seen by someone else.
My next appointment came through this time with a psychiatrist. The panic and nerves came back what was wrong with me why do I feel the way I do. I wanted answers.
The Doctor went through the same questions as before I answered the best I could. Then it came those 15 little letters Bipolar Disorder.
Those two words, 15 little letters have changed my life forever. Hopefully for the better in time however today is a bad day and its time to go back to my GP to discuss my meds as I haven't been taking them because I couldn't cope with the side effects, they made me feel completely spaced out, uncomfortable all the time breathless. I have three children that need a mum around to support them and I can't do that when I feel so bad all the time. I don't have any support, I'm on my own.
I'm fighting a very difficult valiant war inside my head every single day. I hope my disorder does not harm or destroy my children. I hope that the fight I fight is Strong enough to allow me to overcome the demons inside so I can be a good mum to my kiddies.
My kids are the single solitary reason I get up every day and fight this as hard as I can.
My worry now is that putting this out there for all to read will somehow make people view me differently that those who know me in real life will shudder and walk away like others have. That now instead of Joanne they will just see crazy or they will think I'm to much drama. They have the luxury of walking away. I can't walk away from my life even though each and every day I wish I could.
IT may have seemed like a really rash, certainly not thought out decision when I got Darcy but she has be a real help. I have to get up and get out you see other wise Darcy would give me no peace she loves her walks and dog training so she gets to see all her friends. So once I've got the kiddies off to school Darcy and I hop in the car and make our way to the fields where we take our morning walk come rain (which has been a lot lately) or shine and there we meet our friends.
So I thought I would share a couple of photo's of Darcy and her friends.
Darcy saying hello to Rocky
Rocky
Darcy in her favourite puddle
Kimber
and some blossom.
Hope your enjoying your week
Jo x
Monday
It's so cold and wet out there today. It's so unfair over the weekend we seen a glimpse of the weather that I have yearned for for so long now, I'm sure it would help lift my mood and the children's mood too as they to are feeling a little glum these days. Being held up in the house day in day out tends to get a little boring.
Flynn had a fantastic birthday and was very happy with his WII game and his Beast Quest books oh and the money he received. It day and weekend didn't go as planned as I didn't feel up to driving so we didn't get to go to the beach and as the weather was so good Mike and I spent time in the garden tidying up and the children got to go out with their friends.
On Saturday Afternoon I took some of my card making stuff to here http://www.stampncraft.co.uk/ for a second hand sell I was very good and made more than I spent and I also meet some lovely people. I hope to meet them all again on Wednesday night for a UFO night (unfinished objects). It's not to far for me to drive.
I've stopped taking my meds, I know that's probably not a good idea but they were making me feel awful, I just felt drunk all the time and not in a nice way I couldn't concentrate on anything, couldn't get comfortable sitting, standing, lying, nothing was getting done and when you have a family you just can't go on like that. Mike may have to take some time of work if I go on meds just to help out but I'm not sure how he feels about that.
Anyway today I have managed to get something done meet BUG BUNNY, a friend wanted something for her new niece and this is what I've come up with. I'm really please with her. I hope her new little owner likes her.
HELP! I'm so frustrated, I have a massive amount of energy but it all seems to be in my mind.
I've got my mojo back and am managing to keep the house tidy, take Darcy for walks although I do get out of breath quite easily and I've been doing the odd bit of knitting however that's about as much as I can manage but my mind is racing with lots of new ideas and energy but the meds I'm on seem to be holding me back. I'm not sleeping that well, my whole body feels heavy, I can't seem to get comfortable when I'm trying to do some knitting, when I go to bed it feels like I'm lying on a pile of books, which wouldn't be so bad if I could concentrate long enough to read them.
I so wanted to have a craft stall at the school fate at the end of May but I'm getting nothing made and it's frustrating because I really want to make and I'm trying but I feel slightly drunk most of the time and no I'm not drinking lol. Will this feeling last forever or do I just have to wait for my body to get use to the meds.
Although all this is frustrating it's better than a few weeks back when I first started on two meds of which I'm only taking one now because I was so sick for days I had to stop taking them.
I had appointment with the Doctor on Tuesday and as I thought I just have to wait for my body to get use to the meds. Hopefully this should only take a week or two more. He is sending me for a blood test and for an ECG just to make sure all is ok.
Tomorrow is my little chaps 8th birthday as always I can't believe how quickly time has passed by. All he wants really is a set of Beast Quest books. I couldn't be happier that this little guy is so into his reading that he wants books for his birthday. I do hope that I can at least get it together enough to make a cake for him tomorrow. After school we are hoping to take a trip to the beach with Darcy and meet their dad. Mmm it may be KFC for tea.
I hope you are all well and aren't feeling to down about the weather as I think most of the country is having a very wet time at present it's hard to feel happy all the time.
If your anything like me you'll love this video and as we are having such poor weather at the moment I thought I would try and cheer you up.
Now you may just find me doing a little bit of singing in the rain as I am feeling a lot better now. I'd even go as far as saying I'm pretty close to the top of the world.
Thank you to all you kind bloggers who have left me messages of support it means the world to me and to know I'm not alone.
It's kind of funny how aware I am of the change in my mood this time around.
I've been getting up in the morning taking Darcy out for a walk come rain or shine.
This photo was taken 4 weeks ago when we were having some lovely weather.
However this one is more recent, how Darcy loves to dive into the big puddles
Robin taken early one sunny morning so not recent
Last Sunday I even tackled the ironing pile that would of given the Eiffel Tower a run for its money.
I'm keeping very busy doing this and that.
The house is almost back to being organised and tidy again.
Mike's put up some new picture frames for me which I am slowing filling up.
I've been popping into school to sort out the odd thing or two as we are organising a large country fair for the school and hopefully the towns people for the Queens Jubilee.
Darcy and I have been dog training.
I've picked up my knitting needles although I have yet to finish a project as I keep starting new ones.
I went to the Creative Craft show on Thursday at the Bath and West show ground
Spent a few pounds on button's, fabric, a book and a couple of bag patterns but I had been very good and not gone over budget
UNTIL
just as I was leaving I noticed a few people were stood around watching this lady demonstrating a sewing machine, so I stopped to check it out.
That was it I was hooked.
Therefore Friday morning was spent changing the living room around again so when my wonderful new machine arrived I would have room for it.
My little sewing area
My sparkly new sewing machine
Yes that was my budget blown right out of the water hee hee.
There will be a few of you out there that will understand that people like myself just can't help spending money.
I used money I had been saving for a rainy day, well it was raining.
Right some of you will think I'm raving mad when I tell you that I have also purchased a new car this weekend however I have also been saving for a car for some time now as my little old clio Sparky is on it's last wheels.
I pick my new Renault Scenic up on Saturday and I'll be dropping Sparky off with his new owner, I'm giving him to my best friends young lad.
This must be the first time that I have just typed a post up, without writing it out 10 times first.
