15 Little Letters

I was so eager for a diagnosis after seeing my doctor back in February when I was in such a mess, when I just wanted to walk away from it all again, the kids, my screwed up life. After all everyone in my life would be better off without me in theirs.

My  Life has always been anything but calm. My relationships with family, friends and Mike have always been volatile. 
when I look back on the last 15 years I can remember the turmoil as it surrounded me , pulling me into the depths. From the corner of the room I could see myself losing it and would wonder why theses turmoils  wouldn't release their grip on me.

That first meeting I sat down, i was so nervous. My hands cold with fright, not being able to get comfortable. I needed to calm down but I know this doesn't come easy to me after all that's why I'm here sat in this room with these two ladies and Mike.
They began with asking me the usual questions childhood, parents, siblings, relationships then about recent events and how I was feeling now. I was feeling calmer now and it all come flooding out.
They asked about my spending, my unplanned DIY, my irritability, depression and mood related issues over all.

No diagnosis was not made then and there, they needed to talk to another Doctor about their findings and then it would be decided if I would need to be seen by someone else.

My next appointment came through this time with a psychiatrist. The panic and nerves came back what was wrong with me why do I feel the way I do. I wanted answers.
The Doctor went through the same questions as before I answered the best I could. Then it came those 15 little letters Bipolar Disorder.

Those two words, 15 little letters have changed my life forever. Hopefully for the better in time however today is a bad day and its time to go back to my GP to discuss my meds as I haven't been taking them because I couldn't cope with the side effects, they made me feel completely spaced out, uncomfortable all the time breathless. I have three children that need a mum around to support them and I can't do that when I feel so bad all the time. I don't have any support, I'm on my own.

I'm fighting a very difficult valiant war inside my head every single day. I hope my disorder does not harm or destroy my children. I hope that the fight I fight is Strong enough to allow me to overcome the demons inside so I can be a good mum to my kiddies.
My kids are the single solitary reason I get up every day and fight this as hard as I can.

My worry now is that putting this out there for all to read will somehow make people view me differently that those who know me in real life will shudder and walk away like others have. That now instead of Joanne they will just see crazy or they will think I'm to much drama. They have the luxury of walking away. I can't walk away from my life even though each and every day I wish I could.

Thank you for reading

Jo x


Eileen said...

I don't think any differently of you. I see an incredibly brave woman who, although struggling, is facing up to her problems and looking for a great life for her and her children.

I'm going to nag you now ... please make sure that you do go back to see the doctor - there is more than one type of treatment for bipolar and (easier said than done, I know) you need to continue so that you can find the best one for you.

Take care of yourself.

Eileen xx

Anonymous said...

Jo you have made the first step, going public is probably the hardest thing you'll have to do, and I guarantee some people will walk away (this was my experience) but those people don't know how to deal with it, hard but true. You will however find new friends and they will love and understand you. And your real friends will be there by your side . I've had BPD for about 2 yrs (diagnosed) but have suffered for many years like you, but a diagnosis doesn't mean cure. It means there are ways of dealing with it, medication works for some and not for others but you need to try them and give them a chance , I understand your reluctance because of your kids but in the long run its better for them to have a balanced healthy mum whose there (in every sense of the word) for them. You are going to need the love and support of your family and friends. And never be afraid to admit how you feel, those that care don't mind and those that mind don't matter. Will chat anytime you need :£

Tracy said...

Hi Jo I think you are a brave and strong woman one for facing your demons and two for writing about it here, I do so hope that with the love and help from family friends and professionals that you can reach a place where you feel on an even keel, I'm with Eileen though make sure to go back to the gp to see what other alternatives there are for you! I also what to apologise for not writing back sooner I have been following your posts and updates but haven't always commented but I have been thinking about you and I 'm sending lots of positives hugs your way, take care of yourself and your lovely family xxxx

Timi said...

Joanne, I wish I could be there with you ....♥!!! I know how difficult is for you right now, bur don't give up!!! You ARE important to your family, to your friends! And to me ♥!
I send you a big hug...

Jo said...

Thank you guys for all your support. I don't have family support so friends are who will get me through.

thanks again
Jo x

Eileen said...

Hi Jo, just to let you know that I'm thinking about you and sending positive vibes your way. Hope everything went well today,

take care of yourself and those beautiful children,

Eileen x