I was so eager for a diagnosis after seeing my doctor back in February when I was in such a mess, when I just wanted to walk away from it all again, the kids, my screwed up life. After all everyone in my life would be better off without me in theirs.
My Life has always been anything but calm. My relationships with family, friends and Mike have always been volatile.
when I look back on the last 15 years I can remember the turmoil as it surrounded me , pulling me into the depths. From the corner of the room I could see myself losing it and would wonder why theses turmoils wouldn't release their grip on me.
That first meeting I sat down, i was so nervous. My hands cold with fright, not being able to get comfortable. I needed to calm down but I know this doesn't come easy to me after all that's why I'm here sat in this room with these two ladies and Mike.
They began with asking me the usual questions childhood, parents, siblings, relationships then about recent events and how I was feeling now. I was feeling calmer now and it all come flooding out.
They asked about my spending, my unplanned DIY, my irritability, depression and mood related issues over all.
No diagnosis was not made then and there, they needed to talk to another Doctor about their findings and then it would be decided if I would need to be seen by someone else.
My next appointment came through this time with a psychiatrist. The panic and nerves came back what was wrong with me why do I feel the way I do. I wanted answers.
The Doctor went through the same questions as before I answered the best I could. Then it came those 15 little letters Bipolar Disorder.
Those two words, 15 little letters have changed my life forever. Hopefully for the better in time however today is a bad day and its time to go back to my GP to discuss my meds as I haven't been taking them because I couldn't cope with the side effects, they made me feel completely spaced out, uncomfortable all the time breathless. I have three children that need a mum around to support them and I can't do that when I feel so bad all the time. I don't have any support, I'm on my own.
I'm fighting a very difficult valiant war inside my head every single day. I hope my disorder does not harm or destroy my children. I hope that the fight I fight is Strong enough to allow me to overcome the demons inside so I can be a good mum to my kiddies.
My kids are the single solitary reason I get up every day and fight this as hard as I can.
My worry now is that putting this out there for all to read will somehow make people view me differently that those who know me in real life will shudder and walk away like others have. That now instead of Joanne they will just see crazy or they will think I'm to much drama. They have the luxury of walking away. I can't walk away from my life even though each and every day I wish I could.
Thank you for reading