Here in my little home we had a fabulous time. We ate, we drank, we played games, watched a little,ate a little more and drank a little more.
My first attempt at a Baileys cheesecake.
(and in the words of M wowzers)
Perfect nights of Baileys and knitting were had.
2012 hasn't been the best year for me and I am pretty happy to say good bye to it, I lost friendships, made some of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make and probably the hardest thing to contend with was finding out that I was Bipolar however now that I have that part of my life under control I am very excited to say a big hello and welcome in the New Year. I have lots of dreams and wishes and I truly hope to embrace every opportunity that comes my way in 2013 and I'm looking forward to sharing it all with you, I'm also looking forward to reading all the wonderful and inspiring blogs out there.
I do like to start the New Year with a tidy, clean and organised home.
All the Christmas decoration old and new have been taken down and packed away with care.
( The Old 1999)
( The New 2012)
A fresh bunch of flowers to replace the Christmas tree.
So it's nearly time to say goodbye, 2012 is almost done.
Tonight will be spent playing games with the monkey's and M and I will indulge in a little drink to see the new year in.
What a wonderful day the sun is shinning and at last I am feeling a little like my old self again.
Thank you to all who were there for me and helped me through what I consider to be the worst time of my life I have never felt that low or desperate before. It frightened me and I frighted people who care and love me so I am very sorry for that.
Anyway I have been back to see my doctor a few times and have been given support and care workers who I see every week and who are helping me with my recovery. These wonderful people got me a emergency appointment with a psychiatrist who has now put me on some new tablets an antidepressant to lift my mood I think they're working. I have just got to watch that they don't lift my mood to the point of going into manic mode, if they start to do this they will put me on a stabiliser as well.
It feels so good to get the house all clean and tidy again and to get my knitting needles out once again, oh how I have missed them and just in time to knit up a little something for Flynn's teacher. She was a fantastic teacher and will be very much missed when he goes back in September.
It's amazing the children broke up yesterday and the sun has at last come out to play may be it was just waiting for the children to be on their summer holidays.
I haven't planned anything for the six weeks so I'm just going to go day to day and see what happens.
The children have gone off with their dad this weekend just to give me a rest. I'm so pleased I am feeling better in time for the children's summer break and I will endeavour to keep them busy and happy though out the holidays.
Here's to six weeks of lovely sun shine (fingers crossed) and spending lots of quality time with my wonderful children.
I hope the sun shine for you all and you have a wonderful weekend.
Jo x
I'm feeling trapped, I can't breath.
I feel like my mind is going to explode from all the thoughts racing through it.
My skin is crawling,
I can't sit still I keep pacing around the house.
It must be the meds making feel like this I've never felt so alone before. I feel like I'm walking this path alone and I've stumbled and there's no one here to pick me up.
More and more these days I am feeling as if I'm being forced to function, I'm submerged physically and mentally in a pool of jelly, I can see all around but it's cloudy and difficult to manoeuvre.
All I want to do is to disappear, to vanish, run and hide from the world. I feel all alone and separated from the people I love and those that love me.
You see I've been spiralling and it's been ugly. I hate me when I'm in a spiral and that hate feeds the spiral and the spiral then intensifies the hate it grips me so hard logic and reason are beyond my reach. My brain knows what to do, my heart, emotions and core just can't.
I know I'm taking step to control it but these steps are going to take time.
As I try to put the pieces all back together and find my way through the shame and disgust at my actions and words over the last few days I have lost sight of the light, it's been hidden and the road to freedom has been blocked. I'm unable to see or sense the future.
I was so eager for a diagnosis after seeing my doctor back in February when I was in such a mess, when I just wanted to walk away from it all again, the kids, my screwed up life. After all everyone in my life would be better off without me in theirs.
My Life has always been anything but calm. My relationships with family, friends and Mike have always been volatile.
when I look back on the last 15 years I can remember the turmoil as it surrounded me , pulling me into the depths. From the corner of the room I could see myself losing it and would wonder why theses turmoils wouldn't release their grip on me.
That first meeting I sat down, i was so nervous. My hands cold with fright, not being able to get comfortable. I needed to calm down but I know this doesn't come easy to me after all that's why I'm here sat in this room with these two ladies and Mike.
They began with asking me the usual questions childhood, parents, siblings, relationships then about recent events and how I was feeling now. I was feeling calmer now and it all come flooding out.
They asked about my spending, my unplanned DIY, my irritability, depression and mood related issues over all.
No diagnosis was not made then and there, they needed to talk to another Doctor about their findings and then it would be decided if I would need to be seen by someone else.
My next appointment came through this time with a psychiatrist. The panic and nerves came back what was wrong with me why do I feel the way I do. I wanted answers.
The Doctor went through the same questions as before I answered the best I could. Then it came those 15 little letters Bipolar Disorder.
Those two words, 15 little letters have changed my life forever. Hopefully for the better in time however today is a bad day and its time to go back to my GP to discuss my meds as I haven't been taking them because I couldn't cope with the side effects, they made me feel completely spaced out, uncomfortable all the time breathless. I have three children that need a mum around to support them and I can't do that when I feel so bad all the time. I don't have any support, I'm on my own.
I'm fighting a very difficult valiant war inside my head every single day. I hope my disorder does not harm or destroy my children. I hope that the fight I fight is Strong enough to allow me to overcome the demons inside so I can be a good mum to my kiddies.
My kids are the single solitary reason I get up every day and fight this as hard as I can.
My worry now is that putting this out there for all to read will somehow make people view me differently that those who know me in real life will shudder and walk away like others have. That now instead of Joanne they will just see crazy or they will think I'm to much drama. They have the luxury of walking away. I can't walk away from my life even though each and every day I wish I could.
IT may have seemed like a really rash, certainly not thought out decision when I got Darcy but she has be a real help. I have to get up and get out you see other wise Darcy would give me no peace she loves her walks and dog training so she gets to see all her friends. So once I've got the kiddies off to school Darcy and I hop in the car and make our way to the fields where we take our morning walk come rain (which has been a lot lately) or shine and there we meet our friends.
So I thought I would share a couple of photo's of Darcy and her friends.
Darcy saying hello to Rocky
Rocky
Darcy in her favourite puddle
Kimber
and some blossom.
Hope your enjoying your week
Jo x
Monday
It's so cold and wet out there today. It's so unfair over the weekend we seen a glimpse of the weather that I have yearned for for so long now, I'm sure it would help lift my mood and the children's mood too as they to are feeling a little glum these days. Being held up in the house day in day out tends to get a little boring.
Flynn had a fantastic birthday and was very happy with his WII game and his Beast Quest books oh and the money he received. It day and weekend didn't go as planned as I didn't feel up to driving so we didn't get to go to the beach and as the weather was so good Mike and I spent time in the garden tidying up and the children got to go out with their friends.
On Saturday Afternoon I took some of my card making stuff to here http://www.stampncraft.co.uk/ for a second hand sell I was very good and made more than I spent and I also meet some lovely people. I hope to meet them all again on Wednesday night for a UFO night (unfinished objects). It's not to far for me to drive.
I've stopped taking my meds, I know that's probably not a good idea but they were making me feel awful, I just felt drunk all the time and not in a nice way I couldn't concentrate on anything, couldn't get comfortable sitting, standing, lying, nothing was getting done and when you have a family you just can't go on like that. Mike may have to take some time of work if I go on meds just to help out but I'm not sure how he feels about that.
Anyway today I have managed to get something done meet BUG BUNNY, a friend wanted something for her new niece and this is what I've come up with. I'm really please with her. I hope her new little owner likes her.
HELP! I'm so frustrated, I have a massive amount of energy but it all seems to be in my mind.
I've got my mojo back and am managing to keep the house tidy, take Darcy for walks although I do get out of breath quite easily and I've been doing the odd bit of knitting however that's about as much as I can manage but my mind is racing with lots of new ideas and energy but the meds I'm on seem to be holding me back. I'm not sleeping that well, my whole body feels heavy, I can't seem to get comfortable when I'm trying to do some knitting, when I go to bed it feels like I'm lying on a pile of books, which wouldn't be so bad if I could concentrate long enough to read them.
I so wanted to have a craft stall at the school fate at the end of May but I'm getting nothing made and it's frustrating because I really want to make and I'm trying but I feel slightly drunk most of the time and no I'm not drinking lol. Will this feeling last forever or do I just have to wait for my body to get use to the meds.
Although all this is frustrating it's better than a few weeks back when I first started on two meds of which I'm only taking one now because I was so sick for days I had to stop taking them.
I had appointment with the Doctor on Tuesday and as I thought I just have to wait for my body to get use to the meds. Hopefully this should only take a week or two more. He is sending me for a blood test and for an ECG just to make sure all is ok.
Tomorrow is my little chaps 8th birthday as always I can't believe how quickly time has passed by. All he wants really is a set of Beast Quest books. I couldn't be happier that this little guy is so into his reading that he wants books for his birthday. I do hope that I can at least get it together enough to make a cake for him tomorrow. After school we are hoping to take a trip to the beach with Darcy and meet their dad. Mmm it may be KFC for tea.
I hope you are all well and aren't feeling to down about the weather as I think most of the country is having a very wet time at present it's hard to feel happy all the time.
If your anything like me you'll love this video and as we are having such poor weather at the moment I thought I would try and cheer you up.
Now you may just find me doing a little bit of singing in the rain as I am feeling a lot better now. I'd even go as far as saying I'm pretty close to the top of the world.
Thank you to all you kind bloggers who have left me messages of support it means the world to me and to know I'm not alone.
It's kind of funny how aware I am of the change in my mood this time around.
I've been getting up in the morning taking Darcy out for a walk come rain or shine.
This photo was taken 4 weeks ago when we were having some lovely weather.
However this one is more recent, how Darcy loves to dive into the big puddles
Robin taken early one sunny morning so not recent
Last Sunday I even tackled the ironing pile that would of given the Eiffel Tower a run for its money.
I'm keeping very busy doing this and that.
The house is almost back to being organised and tidy again.
Mike's put up some new picture frames for me which I am slowing filling up.
I've been popping into school to sort out the odd thing or two as we are organising a large country fair for the school and hopefully the towns people for the Queens Jubilee.
Darcy and I have been dog training.
I've picked up my knitting needles although I have yet to finish a project as I keep starting new ones.
I went to the Creative Craft show on Thursday at the Bath and West show ground
Spent a few pounds on button's, fabric, a book and a couple of bag patterns but I had been very good and not gone over budget
UNTIL
just as I was leaving I noticed a few people were stood around watching this lady demonstrating a sewing machine, so I stopped to check it out.
That was it I was hooked.
Therefore Friday morning was spent changing the living room around again so when my wonderful new machine arrived I would have room for it.
My little sewing area
My sparkly new sewing machine
Yes that was my budget blown right out of the water hee hee.
There will be a few of you out there that will understand that people like myself just can't help spending money.
I used money I had been saving for a rainy day, well it was raining.
Right some of you will think I'm raving mad when I tell you that I have also purchased a new car this weekend however I have also been saving for a car for some time now as my little old clio Sparky is on it's last wheels.
I pick my new Renault Scenic up on Saturday and I'll be dropping Sparky off with his new owner, I'm giving him to my best friends young lad.
This must be the first time that I have just typed a post up, without writing it out 10 times first.
Hello, it's been a while.
I wasn't sure how to come back after such a long break, should I explain why I've been away or should I just carry on blogging about life in general. So with that in mind I have started this post many times and failed.
So, I'll try and keep it simple.
Depression, I am struggling and have been for a while (this time). I tried to pretend that it was just because Christmas was over, January blues and all that but it just took hold and before I knew it I was struggling to get up for the children in the morning, screaming at them everyday for the smallest of things. Spending the rest of the day crying and feeling so guilty for being such an awful, hopeless mother. Only for them to return from school and me to do it all over again. As for the day to day running of the home it just hasn't been happening. My poor children have been living on sandwiches, bowls of cereal, fish and chips or McDonald's.
One morning I lost it completely with the children, the oldest boy rung his dad for help. I realised then that it was time to get myself to the doctors again for help.
So I took myself to the doctors for the first time since moving here. A new doctor so I would have to explain all over again how I felt. How everything seemed impossible to cope with, that I spent most of my time crying and I wished that I could go to sleep and not wake up because my family would be better off with out me.
She asked me what life was like for me before Christmas, Well a completely different story I'd been on top of the world, I could of probably taken the world on. My house was spotless, I cooked every night for the children, I had taken on chairperson at school and I had also been volunteering down at the school. Knitting, sewing, going to the gym, swimming. Didn't need much sleep to get this all done either.
Life was so very different.
So to get to the point the Doctor seemed to think there was more to it than me just being depressed.
I've now had an assessment in which two lovely ladies seemed to know exactly what questions to ask. My husband came with me for support and helped answer their question honestly as when I'm having an OK day I tend to think that I've just been having a few off days and things really aren't that bad. Plus I think he was hoping for some answers.
I've pushed him away more and more over the passed 15 years. We've split up twice, first time for a year then we gave it another go. We've been split for 2 years now, we've lost the family home through both our faults and now we live separately. Through these times we have been on and off and looking back when I've been low, I've wanted him around, I'm very needy. I lack good judgement so always turn to him to make any decisions. When I'm on top of the world I push him away because I can do it all on my own.
They gave us some information on Bipolar to take away and read. When my doctor mentioned this I just didn't think for one minute I could have this surly I was just depressed. Pass Doctors had just given my antidepressants I would take them for a month or two feel better and be back to being on top of the world. However once we got back and read the information and looked it up on the Internet it was becoming clear that I had more than just one or two of the characteristics of someone with Bipolar.
I just couldn't see it, I didn't have a clue that when I was on top of the world my behaviour wasn't normal. My closes friends have always said that I'm manic. I didn't see a problem when Mike would come home to find the house turned up side down because I was changing the bedrooms around for the 4th time that month or when he'd come home to find the kitchen a different colour or the wallpaper stripped in the living room. Why shouldn't I buy myself the contents of the wool shop, book a family holiday just so I could spent a weekend learning to knit socks at the Rowan wool mills even though I had just taught myself to knit. Buy the latest card making gadget or start a new hobby. Book a craft fair for every month of the year of course I'd make enough stock and everyone would want to buy my handmade goodies.
In the post today I received an appointment to see a psychiatrist I have no idea what to expect. I've not been given any medication so am still struggling through, some days are better than others. Mike is trying to be more understanding.
February arrives cold, wet and gray, her gifts disguised for only the most discerning spirits to see. Gentle is our path. Gratitude is the thread we weave into the fabric of our daily lives this month, giving thanks for our simply abundant lives and asking for the gift of one thing more: grateful hearts.
(Sarah Ban Breathnach)
I started the year with such optimism and for the best part of the first month I've stayed with it but the last week or so I have found it a little harder.
So today I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off and getting back on the path of gratitude and optimism.
It's like having a new baby, 4 feeds a day, late nights, early mornings and lots of crying.
Darcy has been part of our family for a little over two weeks now and she's fitting in just fine.
The children love her, and shes great company for me during the day.
Crying, yes she crys when the children are getting ready for school she runs around taking their shoes and putting them into her bed. Then she sits by the door and crys lol.
We just can't wait to take her out for a walk, shes had her first lot of injections and gets the next lot this Thursday, then we have to wait a week before shes safe to go out walking but it couldn't be better timing as the children break up for half term on that special day.
So I joined in with a whole bunch of other people last night and had a cosy night in sewing.
It was just me and the little lady.
I spent the day cleaning, tidying and getting the kids over night bags ready for their weekend with their dad.
I spent a little time choosing the right project.
I bought myself this cross stitch for my 40th birthday.
However it got packed with all my crafting projects for the move and it never got taken out of the packet until yesterday.
I thought this would be the perfect FNSI project then I may actually get it finish.
So from now on every Friday night I will endeavour to work on my cross stitch.
So its out of the packet and started.
The books in the photo arrived on Thursday morning and as much as I desperately wanted to take a look then and there I used every last bit of self control not to because when it comes to new craft books you need to take your time to enjoy every inspiring project and take your time choosing which projects will go on your to do list and which one will be first.
Do you like my slippers? The kids gave them to me for Christmas
Something a little sweet
Now did I say it was a cosy night in, well my little lady likes to sit outside in the cold but she likes to be able to see me too so for a good part of the evening I had the back door open for her. It's lucky it's not real cold out.
So this year is going to be the year I challenge myself , nothing to big but challenging all the same.
To start with I have joined a few blog challenges not sure if that's what they really are but they will be for me if I'm going to keep them up.
First up
I've joined Kathy and many others on this years photo scavenger hunt. Each month Kathy gives us a list of 12 words for are own interpretation and we have to take a photo for each one. I joined this one because I want to get more use from my camera. I took AS photography back 17 years ago when I was living in Cornwall, I never went anywhere without my camera. Then when I had the children the camera was always within an arms reach so I could catch all those little moments. However since they have all gone off to school the camera seems to come out less and less. We always seem to be rushing out the door and the camera gets left behind but I pledge to take it with me at every opportunity and take at least 12 photo's for this challenge.
OK so this is a good one because at the end of the year I will have 12, hopefully more gifts for Christmas. Every year I promise I'm going to make more gift items for Christmas then two weeks before I end up buying every ones presents. Not this year.
Here's present number one Looby Lou. There is a little girl who I know will love this knitted dolly.
And next
Hopefully this year will be a handmade year all round so not only am I going to make Christmas presents but I would like to have a little selection of birthday gifts so if and when the children are invited to party's I'll have a little special something for them to give to their friends. Sharing my makes and being inspired by all the lovely things that the other bloggers who are pledging to a monthly make in 2012 should help keep me on track.
Meet bunny he's the first to go into the gift box
(Just need to find a nice box)
Next
However this isn't so much a challenge as a cosy night in.
It will be like having a bunch of friends over to enjoy a night of sewing, a good chick flick, chocolate and a cuppa or something a little stronger if you want.
All you have to do is stay in and sew, enjoy the evening and then blog about it on Saturday how simple is that.
I spend most Friday nights in on my own as the children go to their dads sat watching a good film, with chocolate and a cuppa all I need to add is a bit of sewing and that really is no hardship.
So there you have it my blog challenges.
There is a whole bunch of other things may be plans rather than challenges I'll blog about these later right now I have one little challenge sat at my feet waiting for her dinner.
Butter wouldn't melt Hmm really!
Oh yes and if your wondering i've changed the name of my blog AGAIN but a change is as good as a rest isn't it.
Oh wow what a wonderful week I have had but oh how time has flown by.
Monday I went to Yeovil (not my favourite place in the world) but needs must and I had to buy some new clothes for Tallon for our trip to London. Why do children grow so fast?
Then on the way home I popped into see mum and dad, this is something I promised myself I would do more of this year. My realationship with my parents has been shall we say a little (or a lot) strained over the past 15 years. I wish I could say that I had a wonderful mother daughter realationship but I don't. When I read stories here in blog land about you all going round your mums for coffee or going shopping, crafting together. How your mum has passed her love of crafts on to you I feel a small pang of jealousy. I'm really not sure where I get my love of crafting from but it's not my mum. I have three sisters too and I don't see much of them either. Anyway I digress.
So Tuesday was the big trip to London which was AMAZING. The ballet was beautiful, I didn't know what to expect as this was my first expirence of a ballet and although I know the story of Romeo and Juliet I didn't know how easy I would find it to follow without words but the music and dance were so powerful that there was no need for words. I wish I could write in words how it made me feel but I just don't know how to explain it in words, may be there are no words.
I spent Wednesday getting myself organised for the school PTA meeting that night. Back in October at the AGM I put myself forward for Chairperson there wasn't many people there and no one else wanted to do the job. Now I do joke and say oh know what have I got myself into but I think I'm going to enjoy the position really. There are some parts of the job that aren't so good paper work and official stuff like making sure we have the right licences for any events we have. However with this year being the Queens Diamond Jubilee we have started to make some big plans for the last day of term. I'll share more about this when it starts coming together a little bit more.
Thursday and Friday was spent getting ready for the new family member who we collected on Saturday.
Today I've achieved nothing, well nothing I have anything to show for it. I'm in a right old mess, restless and fidgety the first day of the year that I have felt a little out of control.
Am I mad it sure feels like it. I wish time would just stop or at least slow down for a while so I could catch my breath.
I can't stay focused on one subject long enough to get it down on paper.My thoughts are jumping around in my mind like little bunnies playing in a field. I've so much I wish to write about, I've been scribbling for hours but none of it makes sense its all jumbled up. Ballet,crafting, family, decorating I can't get it to all fit together.
I write, I edit and rewrite I want it to be perfect. I'd like people to stay and read and enjoy it so they come back. If only the words would flow like a running water from a tap smoothly and controlled.
I think I will have to leave it for today.
How do you all do it, write your blog post. Do they take days of writing and editing, have you got post all lined up reading to go live or do they just happen you sit there and the words just fill the page without much thought?
I will just leave you with this picture of The Romeo and Juliet Ballet .
Back at Christmas Tallon's school did a concert and the music teacher mention that she had been able to get a few seats for Romeo and Juliet at the Royal Theatre in London. I asked Tallon if he would like to go, OK so I helped a little in convincing him it would be a great experience. When he said yes I went to his teacher I told her that he would like to go and if she needed a parent helper I could be persuaded to go. She said they were always short of helpers and she would be very grateful if I could spare the time to go with them. I thought about it for a millisecond and said yes. We off on Tuesday and I am very excited about it.
So its here, a wondrous new year, a new beginning, a new chapter in life waiting to be written, cherished memories to be made. Three hundred and sixty five bright mornings and starlit evenings. Fifty two promising weeks, twelve transformative months full of beautiful possibilities and four splendid seasons to enjoy.
Ok so I am being very optimistic and that's not like me at all but I was proved so wrong last year, the year started so bad and yet it just got better and better as the weeks and months past and it ended very well indeed.
The gang arrived home Saturday early afternoon and although I wasn't totally convinced I wanted them back after having such a peaceful, productive and restful few days it really didn't take long before it felt like they hadn't been away, in a good way though. Ok so the fact that the washing basket seemed to be over flowing within five minutes, and there was clutter all over the place once again and it didn't take long before the children were bickering isn't some of the good points about their return but the house was full of chatter and laughter again and I was surprised at how much I really had missed all of them.
I can't remember the last time we went out for New years eve not sure when we last stayed up late enough to actually see the new year in either but this year was very different. We all got into our pyjama's after tea for a cosy night in playing games. It was so lovely to see them all play so well together and no bad losers. Not sure when it happened but my children have all grown up. We had a game of charades, my Very Hungry Caterpillar went down very well with a vast amount of laughing and watching Flynn act out the Gruffalo was a sight I will never forget he could be destined for the stage. Then we had a game of scabs and guts a very delightful game learning has never been such yucky fun of course they loved this new game Flynn received for Christmas. We also played a couple of card games which bought back memories of my childhood new years eve's with my parents. Then before the children went to bed it was outside for some sparkler fun.
The Gruffalo's knobbly knees
Lily's poker (pontoon) face
Tallon's poker (pontoon) face
Sparkler fun
After a rather lazy start to the new year I prepared a chicken casserole, popped it into the slow cooker and off we set for a new years day walk. We are so lucky to live so close to such a beautiful Estate as Stourhead, the gardens are delightful but there are also lovely woodland walks to enjoy We didn't manage the three or four hours we were hoping as the rain started coming down rather heavily and although we are not normally worried about the rain on this occasion we were quite happy to return to our cosy little home, being welcomed by the smell of a lovely meal being cooked without to much hard work and enjoying the last few hours together relaxing, eating the last few chocolates, and watching the telly.
Happy to be out and about. (taken before the rain)
